Everyone thinks that they can fix things or people but only that person can fix themselves, at one point you have to take a step back and say "I cant help you unless you want to be helped" They will continue to refuse until they see something wrong with their life and their actions. Sure I havent been the best example of a "change for the better person" and alot of my trainwrecks have been my fault entirely simply because i chose a certain destructive lifestyle. Sometimes i can't decide if i have a self conscious motive that leads me to pain, heartbreak etc. I mean i used to live by the motto "to experience pain is to experience life and only through conquering that pain can we truly be alive" now i am not so sure if that is the way to live. Sure it takes some strength and courage to battle through each trial but life should not be just about the painful moments and that is all i harp on. However i have to admit that lately i have been very happy, i got rid of the drugs and i tried to make myself a better person and i think ultimately i am headed down the path of happiness but these things just take time. And if my self conscious is still addicted to the need for pain and destruction i doubt i will ever truly find happiness.
It seems after my poor lovers are done with me they truly are better as if i am the angel from which they learn their lesson and then after that they are a better person. Perhaps i am just moping about the situations that i have been presented but it does in fact seem as if i am the stepping stone to creating men. Boys dont become men with me they learn how to be men after me, i could analyze this forever, i could say perhaps i was holding them back but we all know that i was always urging certain people to make themselves better. Not you Josh you were already driven and motivated before i came along i just think i helped your self confidence.
I am not sad right now on the contrary i think i have been having the best year of my life or something along those lines. Yea i have been non existent and workign my ass off but a goal is in sight and then I will start the next step in my life (whatever that step maybe). I am not sure where I will go or what i will do, i still have fantasies of living abroad.